An open letter to Ashley Cole

Dear Ashley,

There have been so many malicious words written about you in the media that it is time to set the record straight. There are a lot of sad people who take pleasure in other people’s troubles. They have a name. They are called haters and this letter is my chance to help fight these evil folk who try to destroy your good reputation. While I have only seen you on telly, I believe I know the real Ashley Cole. I can see beyond the lurid headlines to the good person you really are.

Ashley Cole – misunderstood

Of course, you have had your problems in life, just like all of us have.

Yes, you had to walk out on Arsenal when they only offered you £56,000 a week to play football for them.
Yes, you fell in love with and married a foul-mouthed Geordie woman notorious for beating a cleaner in a nightclub.
Yes, you cheated on that same wife with several women.
Yes, when you had sex with one of those women you had to stop having sex to vomit on her cream rug, before finishing having sex with her.
Yes, you texted other women pictures of your erect penis as a way to seduce them.
And yes, you shot a work experience boy at Chelsea’s training ground at point blank range with an air rifle.

What infuriates me is how people are so quick to judge you on the basis of these incidents. Who stops to ask what Ashley Cole’s side of the story is?

So you left Arsenal for Chelsea because they weren’t prepared to give you enough money. This is a simple wage dispute, like any other. People, hurtfully, called you Cashley.


They ignore how hard you work.  You train for two hours every day, and play in matches once or even twice a week. In those matches you run up and down the left flank, making tackles as well as finding time to swear at referees. This is not easy. Not easy at all. Those sanctimonious, Guardian-reading nurses and teachers should try it some time. Then they will realise you are well-paid but not unfairly so.

So you married Geordie lass Cheryl Cole, a woman primarily known for lip-synching on telly and getting slutty tattoos more often than she eats. Well, the path of love is not something we can predict or do anything about. Yes, I would have preferred it if you had met someone more appropriate to your intellect. Kerry Katona, perhaps. But no man can criticise another’s love matches. You loved her, she loved you and you sealed your love in a well-publicised photo shoot for OK! magazine. Those pictures, in front of the white Bentley, truly showed that love is blind.

A lot of love to give – Ashley Cole

After time, you ‘cheated’ on her. Well, I say this. You, Ashley Cole, are a young man with a lot of love to give. I don’t think you should be criticised for spreading that love around. Christians spread the word of the Lord. You spread your semen. There’s surely not much difference. It’s all love and if the haters can’t understand that, that’s their problem, not yours.

You texted pictures of your penis to women. The old-fashioned romantic in me does wonder whether dinner and a movie is not a more appropriate seduction method. There again, I am not as busy as you are. We live in a digital age and in 50 years’ time, people might look back on your texting your erect knob to a bird with a message saying ‘want some?’as the height of chivalry. We should leave that for history to judge.

Most recently, there has been this gun incident. Yes, you shot a student. He was hurt. However, you explained you were only ‘larking about’ and apologised afterwards. You made a mistake but got the matter sorted. I hope the police desist from their unseemly investigation of this perfectly explicable event.


In conclusion, Ashley, I would say this. You are a man. A great man. And like all great men, you rightly refuse to kowtow to society’s expectations. Other Premier League footballers would have sought gagging orders to stem the flow of kiss’n’tell stories, or embarked on a PR campaign to show the public a more sympathetic side to their character, perhaps building schools in Africa or something. You could have stayed faithful to your trophy wife, or at least not cheated on her in a manner that necessitated the co-operation and silence of several poorly-paid underlings. But you don’t because you know this:

You, Ashley, are really good at football, which means you have an absolute right to do whatever you please.

Peace, love and understanding,

Richard Purnell


One thought on “An open letter to Ashley Cole

  1. God Bless Ashley, and other unimportant men who live the lives of Caesar, whilst the worlds million’s hurtle into an uncertain future.

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